A James Everhard Adventure

A collaborative work by Ms. Kim Finch and Mr. Wayne Wallace.

Saturday night finds the usual suspects at Rick’s Café American’, the home base for fictional characters, both famous and infamous. Gathered at the bar sipping Rick’s fabulous collection of blended scotches are, from left to right, 6’ 5", 235 pound, devil may-care, soldier-of-fortune and world-traveling adventurer Bud Magnum. On the next stool sits tall, lanky, laconic, self-made auto chemical multi-millionaire, Ken Oldman. Next in line, sipping a malted scotch is Tom Manners, wealthy Texas real-estate mogul. Seated next to Manners is Chief of Detectives Retired, Bill Chapel, puffing on his ever present stogie and nursing his scotch. Next to him is Father Phillip Murphy, known for his prowess in solving the most difficult of mysteries and helping to put some of the most ruthless of criminals behind bars, Murphy seems to be closely studying his glass of amber liquid. Behind the bar is the owner of this fine establishment, Rick Dagger. "Okay, where’s Everhard?" Rick asked the group. Rick was, of course, referring to world famous detective and womanizer, James Everhard. "Hell, I think he’s in love again." Grunted Father Murphy. "Well there’s a scoop!" said Oldman. "He’s always got some woman or another on the hook." Manners added. "Well gentlemen, this may be the real McCoy," Father Murphy said without taking his eyes of his glass. "Ever since Fanny Eveready, his old girlfriend blew back into town he’s been completely infatuated, spends every possible moment with her. Says she’s in some sort of trouble and wants to help her out of it." Bug Magnum and Chief Chapel looked up at the mere mention of the word "trouble." "What sort of trouble padre?" Magnum asked. "Don’t actually know but I know that Everhard never lets her out of his sight and he has started packing that .44 of his again." The graying man with the cleric’s collar answered. "Hmmm," Chapel said, "If he’s carrying that .44 again, he must be worried. He may need some help. I better find him." Chapel got up, peeled a fifty from a roll of bills and tossed it onto the bar.

Everhard listened intently as Fannie related the bazaar events of the past few months. "It all started a few months ago, when I took a job as a dancer in Motley Crue’s video, Girls, Girls, Girls. After we wrapped the shoot, the groups’ drummer, Tommy Lee, put a pretty good move on me and we ended up having dinner. We had dinner and drinks and more drinks and well, eventually we ended up at his Malibu home. Tommy was a really cool guy and I ended up spending a week or so with him in Malibu. He was fun, good looking, and a pretty damn good lover too, I had no idea at the time, that he was married!" Everhard rolled his eyes as he heard this tidbit. "Anyway, after that, he called me when he was not on tour and we would go out, or spend the weekend at his place or whatever. This went on for a few months until one night, we had been out at a club late and we came back to his house and when we unlocked the door, there was this blonde chick there. Tommy seemed shocked. The chick asked if I knew who she was and then she said, ‘Pamela Anderson’. I was a little tipsy and I said, ‘Oh yeah, I used to watch you on Baywatch when I was a kid.’ Then she said, and I’m this asshole’s wife!’ That’s when she jumped on me and went nuts. She started pulling my hair and scratching me, so I just decked the bitch. Knocked her out I guess. Tommy gave me his car keys and told me to go home, he’d straighten this all out and call me. The next day is when strange things started happening to me."

"I was driving Tommie’s Hummer to the grocery store when this cop pulled me over." Fanny continued as Everhard slowly unbuttoned her blouse. "It seems that the Hummer was registered to Pamela Anderson and that she had reported it as stolen!" Everhard removed the blouse as Fanny moved her shoulders to assist him without missing a word of her story. "Those fricking cops handcuffed me and took me to jail!" Everhard began tracing the edges of Fannie’s beige, French cut bra with his finger as Fannie continued her story. "Finally, after about eight hours, Tommie got there and cleared things up and I was released. "I was screaming at him, asking him why he hadn’t happened to mention the fact that he was married. Tommie told me that he and Pamela were on again, off again and their relationship was in the dumpster! He said that his attorney was drawing up divorce papers as we spoke. Then he took me home. He wanted to come in but I told him no! Not until he had a divorce decree to show me." Everhard expertly unhooked Fannie’s bra and had it off of her in seconds. Her breasts were magnificent! Everhard began softly kissing the creamy mounds. Fannie never even slowed down her narrative. "Then, the next morning, I went outside to bring in the morning paper and there were about fifty photographers in my front yard, snapping pictures and yelling questions like, ‘Are you and Tommie getting married?’ ‘Did you know that Pamela Anderson has threatened you for stealing her husband?’ I ran back into the house and slammed the door. They stayed there all morning waiting for me to come out again!" Everhard took one of her nipples into his mouth. The nipple immediately stiffened and grew to a seemingly impossible length. James, are you listening to me? Fannie asked. "Mummmph, Uh huh baby," Everhard said around her engorged nipple. Fannie continued, "Then, I was at the supermarket and I see a picture of me in my pajamas on the front page of the Enquirer! The headline read ‘The other woman in Tommie Lee’s life!’ I was so embarrassed, I almost died." Everhard had begun kissing Fannie’s muscular abdomen, working his way south, when Fannie let out an ear piercing scream. "James, there’s someone at the window!" Everhard jumped up and ran to the window, threw it open and climbed out, apparently in hot pursuit of the person who had been watching them.

Scene 4

Everhard hit the ground running outside Fannie’s window.  About twenty yards ahead of him, the tall man wearing a turban who had been at the window, was making pretty good time. The two men ran the distance of the alley behind Fannie’s house, knocking over trash cans, hurtling barking dogs and tromping down freshly planted gardens as they went.  By the time they got to the crowded intersection on the corner, Everhard had closed the distance between them to three or four feet..  At that exact moment, Chapel and Magnum were driving through the intersection in Bill’s black Ford sedan.  Both men saw the bizarre chase at the same time.  Everhard in his skivvies, chasing another man with a turban on his head.  Chapel braked hard and slid to a stop at the curb.  Magnum bailed out of the still moving car and moved to cut the big man whom Everhard was pursuing off.  Chapel pulled a .357 from his shoulder holster and fired two rounds into the air.  The man wearing the turban dove to the ground upon hearing the gunfire and the still running Everhard tripped over him and was sent flying into the intersection and into the running Bud Magnum.  The two men crashed to the pavement and rolled into traffic causing a plumber’s van to swerve and crash into an ice cream vendor’s truck, which caused it to overturn.  The ice cream vendor’s truck was playing an absurd version of Three Blind Mice over and over again as it lay smoking and damaged on its top.  Meanwhile, a bundle of copper pipe that had been neatly sitting atop the plumber’s van came loose and fell into the street, sending different lengths of plumber’s pipe rolling at high speed in every direction down the street. and the adjoining sidewalk.  The rolling pipe crashed into a group of nuns strolling down the sidewalk, sending the fully habited ladies of faith into a screaming, tumbling swirl of black, white and rosary beads, the likes of which had never before been seen in this town.  An elderly women carrying her groceries home from the corner grocery, upon witnessing what was to become known as the “Nun Disaster” screamed and hurled her sack of groceries into the air.  Oranges, apples, milk, bread and two dozen bananas littered the intersection just as a police squad car, responding to a 9-1-1 call from Fannie came too fast into its intended left turn and hit the bananas.  The black and white, siren wailing, slid into the curb and overturned and was spinning on its top with its siren accompanying the slightly off key version of three blind mice. As people began to recover from their various predicaments , Chapel handcuffed the turbaned man to a stop sign and he and his two partners in crime jumped into the Ford and headed for Rick’s.  They all needed a drink!

End………………………………..