Snow White and the Brothers

By Wayne Wallace

 

Scene 1

Once upon a time in a far-away land, a lonely Queen sat by her window in the castle tower sewing.  As she worked, she pricked her finger with her needle.  Three drops of blood fell on the snow-white linen. 

“How happy I would be if I had a little girl with lips as red as blood, skin as white as snow , and hair as black as ebony!”  thought the queen as she sewed. 

When spring came, her wish was granted.  But the Queen’s happiness was very brief.  As she held her lovely baby in her arms, the Queen whispered, ”Little Snow White,” and then she died.

When the lonely King married again, his new queen was beautiful, but alas, she was also very heartless and cruel.  This heartless bitch was mean and cruel to everyone in the kingdom, to everyone that is, except the King.  She cheerfully did whatever he wanted, especially in the royal bedroom, so alas, the King was oblivious to just what a heartless bitch she really was.  He was blinded by sexual contentment, so to speak.  So the good King went through life thinking his Queen was gracious and kind.  A malady passed on to so many, many men even in modern times.

But I digress.  Now the Queen’s most prized possession was her magic mirror.  Every day she looked at it and asked: 

                        “Mirror, mirror on the wall,

                        Who is the fairest of us all?”

If the magic mirror replied that she, in fact, was the fairest in the  kingdom, then all was well.  But, if another lady was named, the Queen flew into a furious rage.  She would summon her huntsmen and have her killed.

As the years passed, Snow White grew more and more beautiful, and her sweet nature made everyone in the kingdom love her, everyone that is except the evil Queen.

The Queen’s worst fear was that Snow White might grow up to be the fairest in the land, so she banished Snow White to the servant’s quarters.  She forced the young Princess to live in rags and slave from morning to night.

            Now, the more rational of you readers might ask, “But what of the good King?  Snow White’s kind and noble father.  Will he just sit back and let this happen?”  You see, the King contracted a disease that rendered him somewhat silly.  Every day, the King just sits on his throne drooling and fiddling with a Rubick’s Cube.  The kingdom is secretly being run by the evil Queen and her lover, the Duke of Ellington.

            While Snow White lived and worked in the servant’s quarters, she dreamed wonderful dreams of a handsome Prince who would come and rescue her and carry her off to his castle in the clouds.  As she dusted and scrubbed and dreamed, she became more and more beautiful each day.

            At last came the day the evil Queen had been dreading.  She asked:                         

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

Who is the fairest of us all?” 

And the mirror replied: 

                        “Her lips blood red, her hair like night,

                        The chick named Snowy is outa sight!” 

The Queen’s face grew pale with anger.  The Queen rushed from the room and called the huntsman to her.  “Take the Princess Snow White deep into the woods and bring back her heart in this jeweled box,” she said.

            The huntsman bowed his head in grief.  He knew he had no choice but to obey the Queen’s command.

            Snow White had no fear of the kind huntsman.  She went cheerfully into the woods with him for Snow White thought that she had finally reached the age where a man would give her her first kiss and relieve her of her virginity.  This must surely be the time and the man for the task.  After walking for miles into the woods, Snow White became frustrated and asked. “Are you shy or what?”  Then she unbuttoned her blouse and exposed her snowy white breasts with their blood red nipples and said, “Check these out huntsman old boy.  Wanna’ taste em’?”  With that, the huntsman, somewhat hampered by an enormous erection, chased down the young Princess, removed her pantaloons and gave her a royal screwing, breaking her royal cherry,  right there on the forest floor.  Later, as the huntsman and the Princess lay staring at the blue sky and smoking cigarettes, the huntsman told Snow White of the evil Queen’s orders.  “That bitch!” Snowy spat!  “I cannot kill you Snow White,” the huntsman told her, “I have fallen in love with you.  You must find refuge here deep in the forest until I come back for you.”  Snow White listened intently as the huntsman told her of his plan.  Then they parted company and the huntsman headed back for the kingdom and Snowy headed more deeply into the woods.  The huntsman killed a deer on the way back and placed it’s heart in the jeweled box and took it to the evil Queen.

            Alone in the forest, Snow White wept with fright.  Deeper and deeper into the woods she ran, half blinded by tears.  It seemed to her that roots of trees reached up to trip her feet and that branches pulled and tore at her clothes as she passed.  At last, weak with terror, Snow White fell to the ground.  As the sun began to set, she lay there sobbing her eyes out.  Snow White finally fell asleep.  While she slept, all the forest creatures came out of the thickets and burrows and gathered around the sleeping girl.  There were rabbits and chipmunks, and squirrels and a porcupine and a skunk, and all manner of birds.  When Snow White awoke, she was pleased to see all the forest creatures and smiled broadly at them.  At the sight of her smile, the animals came to her snuggling in her lap and nestling in her arms.  The birds sang gaily to Snow White and the little forest clearing was filled with joy.  “I feel so much better now,” Snow White told her new friends, “but I still need a place to clean up and sleep.”  She told them.  One of the birds chirped something, the other animals nodded in agreement.  Then off flew the birds, leading the way.  The rabbits, squirrels and chipmunks followed along, and Snow White came with her arm around the neck of a gentle mother deer.  At last, through a tangle of brush, Snow White saw a tiny cottage that was nestled in a clearing up ahead.  The cottage was beautiful, clean as a pin, the lawn immaculately mown and edged, everything outside was perfect! Snow White peered through the window and found that inside, everything was a mess.  All the furniture was coated with dust, tiny little soiled shirts, pants and jockey shorts were strewn all over the place, and a stack of dirty dishes lay in the sink.  “Perhaps the children who live here have no mother to take care of them!” Snow White said.  “Let’s clean up the place and surprise them!” she said.              So in she went, followed by all the animals.  Snow White found a broom in the corner and swept all the dirt out of the little house.  Then she washed all the clothes and folded them, and washed the dishes and put them away.  She put a big pot of delicious soup on the hearth.  “Now,” she told the animals, “let’s see what’s upstairs.”  Up they all went.  They found seven little beds all in a row, each with a named carved on it.  “What unusual names for children,” she said.  “Doc, Happy, Dizzy, Dopey, Horny, Rasheed and Tyrone.” As she read each name.  “My,” she said, yawning, “I’m a little sleepy myself.”  With this, Snow White lay across three of the beds and fell soundly asleep. 

 

Scene 2 

            “Hi ho, hi ho

            Its home from the unemployment office we go –“ 

Seven little men came marching through the woods, singing on their way.  As they came in sight of the little cottage, they stopped short.  Smoke was curling out of the chimney and the front door stood open.   “Hey, man, there’s somebody in our crib!” said Dizzy.  “Maybe it’s a burglar!” said Doc.  “More likely it’s Tyrone’s ex-old lady come to give us mo’ grief!” said Rasheed.  “Nah, that ho’ got busted, she be in the slammer,” Tyrone said.  “Well don’t you think we should investigate gentlemen?” Doc, who was the wisest of the seven brothers, asked.  “Hell yeah, let’s go see who’s in there, ”Horny said, and then added, “maybe it’s some Hos.  I ain’t had no boojum since last April!”  So the seven brothers headed inside to see who was in their little house. They looked around, astonished!  “What’s that smell?” asked Dizzy.  “Why it seems to be cleanliness,” replied Doc.  “Who the hell stole our dishes?” Rasheed shouted.  “No one stole them, they hid them in the cupboard, and they’re clean!”, said Happy.  The little men were completely bewildered.  Suddenly a loud fart, echoed through the house.  “That came from upstairs,” said Doc.  “Sheeeeeeeit,” said Tyrone, “It smells like a frickin’ buffalo,” he said holding his nose.  The seven little men, shouldered their pick axes and crept, quietly upstairs to see what horrors waited for them there.

            The seven little men stood in a row at the foot of their beds.  They all stared at the sleeping Snow White.  “Wh-what is it?” whispered Dizzy.  “Why gentlemen, I believe it’s a girl,” said Doc quietly.  “Damn fine one too!” said Horny who had lifted up the hem of Snow White’s skirt and was starting at her black, thong panties.  “Stop that Horny!” said Doc, slapping the raised skirt from his tiny hands.   With that, Snow White woke up.  “Why what the hell is this?” she sputtered, “You’re not children at all, you’re little dudes!  Let me see if I can guess your names,” she said.  “Let’s see, you’re Happy,” she said pointing at a little man with a broad smile.”  “Right” he said gleefully.  “And, let’s see.  You must be Dizzy,” she said to a little man who appeared to be cross-eyed.  “Uh, yep!” he said.  “You over there,” she said pointing to a small man, “You are Tyrone!” “How’d you know dat’?” he asked.  “Because it says so on your shirt,” she laughed.  Tyrone forgot he had worn s soiled old work shirt he had gotten when he briefly worked at Midas Mufflers.  His name was stitched inside a white oval over the pocket.  “Now let’s see,” she said, quizzicly rubbing her chin, “You must be Doc,” she said, looking at the distinguished one wearing little wire-rimmed spectacles. He bowed and said, “At your service mademoiselle.” “And you have to be Rasheed,” she said, pointing to the one with the dark sun glasses and the picked out, afro hair style.  “That’s my name bitch!  Don’t wear it out!” he said angrily.  “Snow White merely looked at him and giggled.  “And you,” she said, grinning at the little man who again, was holding up the hem of her dress and peering underneath, “Are horny!”  “I certainly am baby! “ The little man replied.  “And you baby, are the answer to my prayers.” He said as he began pulling down the black, thong panties.  “Horny, stop that, we’ve not even met out guest,” he said, slapping Horny away from Snow White.  “But where is Dopey?” Snow White asked, looking around.  Then she saw him, standing in the stairway, inhaling deeply on some sort of pipe.  “Hey baby,” he replied with a wave, as he held the smoke from the pipe in his lungs for what seemed like a very long time to Snow White.  “What’s your name?” he asked, exhaling a stream of blueish smoke and coughing.  “My name is Snow White, but you can call me Snowy.  I am hiding out from my wicked step mother, the queen, who is trying to kill me.  May I stay here with you for a while?  At least until my boy friend, the huntsman, comes to get me.”  The brothers all quickly agreed that it would be fine for Snowy to stay with them and told her so.  “Fine, now you boys wash up and change for dinner.” Snowy told them.  “Wash up?”  “Change?”  the little men protested, but Doc said, “Come now gentlemen, let us tidy up for the beautiful lady.”  And the brothers reluctantly did so.

            The clean up was worth it in the end, the brothers agreed.  They had the best dinner they had ever had.  And the evening of fun that followed was the best they had ever experienced.   All the forest creatures gathered around the cottage windows to watch them play and dance and sing.    Doc broke out a couple of gallons of homemade, strawberry wine and Snowy thought it was the most delicious wine she had ever tasted.  She drank a great deal of it.   Later that night, as everyone began to head towards bed, Snowy decided to kiss each and every one of the little men good night.  The problem was, that Snowy was a little drunk and she started with Horny.  The bedsprings in Horny’s little bed squeaked, and the headboard knocked against the wall for nearly an hour.  And when Horny rolled off of Snowy exhausted, she found that Dizzy was ready for his “good night kiss”.  And so it went, until all seven of the brothers were completely exhausted.  But Snowy just smiled contently and went to sleep.

            Back at the castle, the huntsman had presented the wicked queen the box which she thought contained Snow White’s heart.  “Aha!” she gloated, “At last!” And down the hall she ran to talk to the mirror. 

            “Now, magic mirror on the wall,

             Who is the fairest of us all?” 

But the homest mirror replied: 

            “You might ask the seven brothers

          How they  liked Miss White.

            For the fairest of them all

          Screwed out all their brains, this very night!” 

Then the queen realized that the huntsman had deceived her and she ordered that he be castrated.  Then in an angry rage, she hurled the jeweled box at the mirror, shattering it into a thousand pieces.  Then, shaking in a rage, the queen hurried down to a dark cave below the castle where she did her evil magic.  First, she disguised herself as a toothless old woman, dressed in tattered rags. Then she searched her book of spells for a horrid spell to work on Snow White.

            “What shall it be?” she muttered to herself.  “The poisoned apple, the sleeping death, perfect!” she cackled.  She stirred up a horrible concoction from the book’s recipe and then dipped an apple into it.  The apple came out a beautiful, rosy red.  The most tempting apple anyone since Eve herself had ever seen.

            Cackling with wicked pleasure, the queen dropped the apple into a basket of fruit and started on her journey to the house of the seven dwarfs.

 

Scene 3