Confrontation at Three Spoons

A James Everhard Adventure

By Wayne Wallace

 

Untitled Scene

James Everhard Jr. and his sidekick, Chief of Detectives (Retired) Bill Chaple sat at the bar at Rick’s Café American nursing their drinks and contemplating their next moves in life.  Chaple signaled Marshall, the friendly bartender for another double scotch.  “I’ve been thinking about finding a new gin joint in which to drown my sorrows,”  Everhard said .  “How come?  What’s wrong with this place?” the gruff retired detective growled around the ever present smoldering stogie clenched in his teeth.  “This place is our joint!  It’s like an old pair of house shoes, comfortable, ya’ know?” Chaple said.  “Oh I know.  It’s not that I’m not comfortable here,” Everhard told him, “It’s just, I don’t know, the crowd has changed, ya’ know what I mean?  It’s not like it used to be.”  “Cummon, Jim, you’re just sore cause your guy lost the election.” Chaple told him, clapping him on the shoulder.  “No, hell, that’s not it!  With my political views, I’m used to my guys losing elections,” Everhard laughed, “the place is just not like it was”.  Chaple began to get a little worried about his friend.  “Well”, he said, “people move on.  They find other things to do, places to go.” Chaple said philosophically. “Dona, Sherry, T.J., Daisy, Terrye,  they all used to always be in here.  It was fun flirting with them, talking about old times.  They rarely ever come in any more.” Everhard said as he drained his Rusty Nail.  “Did they all just grow tired of us?” Everhard asked his partner.  “Were we that easy to just walk away from and forget?”  Everhard said, signaling Marshall for a refill.  “Shit!  I should have known it would be about broads!” Chaple exclaimed.  “Your fantasy harem is dwindling, so you’ve got the blues, that right Everhard?” “ Maybe”, Everhard said, sipping the potent mixture in his glass.  “You know Bill, I really miss Fannie.” he said.  “Now wait just a damn minute Everhard,” the old cop said, getting off his barstool.  “That Ever-Ready broad, along with Left Coast Lennie, mugged a nun! Right here in front of God and everybody.  That’s why they’re no longer welcome.  And correct me if I’m wrong, Mr. Down-in-the-dumps, but I believe it was you who threatened to tear Left Coast Lennie’s head off his shoulders and crap down his neck right after he did it!”  Chaple was making his point, puffing bluish clouds of cigar smoke into the air, and waving his hands like John Madden describing a safety blitz.  “Yeah, well, I was pissed off.  You know me, I fly off the handle now and then.”  I didn’t think it through before I jumped.” Everhard said.  “Normally James, I would sympathize with you but these hairballs tossed a nun, took her purse, punched her around for a while and left her bleeding.” Chaple was now shouting, attracting curious stares from the others in the bar. “And, I might add, a nun who you were very sweet on before she took her holy vows.”  “Hold it down Chaple”, Everhard said, “don’t tell everybody, besides, she never showed one bit of interest in me.  And I know it was a disgusting thing to do, but Sister Mary Grace got up, we dusted her off, took her in for a few stitches and she was just fine. And now,  Lenny and Fanny are banned for life!”  “And well it should be,” Chaple said, sitting back down.  “Yeah, yeah, maybe so, but what if someday you or I forget to push the mute button?  You know it could happen!  Would we be gone with the wind too?  Whatever became of forgiveness, turning the other cheek, all that biblical yaw-yaw ?” Everhard asked his friend.  Chaple didn’t reply.  “There’s apparently a new sheriff in town Bill and I don’t remember an election.” Everhard said, “It’s just not like it was.” Everhard said, tossing a fifty on the bar and walking towards the door, “It’s like you said, people move on, they find other things to do, places to go.  See ya’ buddy. Take care” And Everhard walked out of the warm bar into the chilly, November night.

 

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Rick’s Café Revisited

By an Outside Heckler

Rick’s Café American, a gathering place for fictional characters both famous and infamous.

 

The retired Chief of Detectives was still sitting at his corner table rubbing his stomach.

The chili was having its devastating effect. The joint’s bartender, Marshall, laid down another double scotch and a bottle of Maalox on the table, and sit down.

“What are you and Everhard doing here. I thought that the two of you were working.”

“That damn author taken another sabbatical. Left us hanging just as we were suppose to take on the Hudson family.”

Marshall grabbed a whiskey from one of the scantily dressed waitresses serving drinks, and continued his interrogation of the ailing detective.

“What’s that guy’s problem?”

“Don’t know; probably distracted with the election and his character’s problems. Think he is missing one of his writer buddies. Likes to play leap-frog in his stories. He’s an author.”

“Bill, He doesn’t need that kind of help; and he’s too old to jump anything. If he wants a playmate, what about that dish at the Times?”

“She could do it, but doesn’t have the time,” replied the retired detective.

The bartender tossed back his drink, and continues. “Hell, Kick him in the butt, and tell him to get back to work.”

“I don’t like this story. So far my nuts have been crushed, and my nerves are shot. Everhard keeps getting into these messes. Why couldn’t he write another story like that western where I got the girl? Lot easier on the body.”

 

The bartender grabbed the next waitress that wandered by, and got slapped for his trouble.

“Why can’t the bartender get the girl? And what was Everhard’s problem tonight. Seemed down in the dumps.”

“Election, girls, doesn’t like the change. Even wants Fannie and Lennie back.”

The bartender sat straight up. “I pitched them out on their butts. Mugging a nun, my ass.

“And you were right in doing so, but a couple of your customers have asked if Lennie could be salvaged. You served him the drinks that made him do it. Can’t hold his liquor.”

“Or his brain,” the bartender banging the table with his fist. “If he serves his sentence and promises to tow the mark, I might consider letting him return if he behaves. He was a good customer.”

“Learned a long time ago, don’t play with guns or computers after the third drink. Same applies to girls, never know who you will wake up with.”

 

The detective was recovering and considering ordering another bowl of chili. “Can’t do anything about his harem - they come, they go.”

“Everhard married, what does he want with a harem. More for the rest of us.”

“The author doesn’t know what to do with a domestic Everhard. They haven’t been seen together in weeks.”

“Well, it’s about time he get his priorities in order. He could have Everhard knock his lovely wife up. A little JE3 would be different.”

Another round was ordered and the two decided that maybe the place wasn’t ready for diapers.

 

In a corner, unemployed characters were thinking about begging the author to get back to work.

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Scene 1

Rick’s Café American, a gathering place for fictional characters both famous and imfamous.

 

           Marshal the friendly bartender and Bill Chaple, chief of detectives (retired) were sitting at the bar letting one of the lovely bar girls serve them double cutty sarks and laughing about something when Everhard came into the fictional characters’ watering hole.  “Whataya’ sittin’ on your ass for Chaple?  We’ve got a frickin’ vampire to kill back at the Hudson mansion”.  Everhard said, looking at the empty, grease ringed bowl that sat in front of the chief. “Oh shit, you haven’t been eating this lunatic’s chili again have you?  I just had the Viper washed and the interior’s spotless, no farting, dammit!!”  “Well, well, If it isn’t ‘Mr.Ain’t It Awful’ himself,” Chaple said mockingly, “what happened, fall off the Pity Party Wagon?”  “Stuff it  Bill, I refilled my prozak, okay.  Now let’s get going.  We need a stake, a hammer and some garlic.”  Everhard told the ex-cop matter-of-factly.  “What the hell for ?” Chaple asked without moving from his barstool. “We have to drive a stake through the heart of that vampire, C.D. Hudson, before he sucks all the 64 Lady’s blood and makes them eternal Insomniacs, like him.”  Everhard explained.  Chaple looked at Marshal the friendly bartender with a raised eyebrow.  “You wanted his ass back to work Chaple.  Now get your bruised balls off my barstool and get back to work!” Marshal said.  Chaple got up, paid his tab and followed Everhard out into the late afternoon sun.  “I gotta be outa my fricking mind,” the retired cop muttered to himself as he headed for the leather rider’s seat of the Red Viper.

 

Scene 2

           Everhard fired up the Viper and laid down two black stripes of burnt rubber leaving Rick’s parking lot while Chaple fumbled with his seatbelt.  “We have to hurry and get to the mansion before dark, while C.D. is still sleeping,” Everhard told his partner.  “Just a few things to pick up on the way.” He added.  .Everhard spied a second hand store among the store fronts on Main street and wheeled into a parking space in front of it.  Chaple read the sign painted on the window, “Jake’s Collectables and Antiques, what the hell are we doing here James?” the retired cop asked, but Everhard was already out of the car and inside the shop.  Minutes later, Everhard emerged with a well used looking croquet set in his arms.  He tossed the set at the bewildered looking detective in the leather bucket seat and said, “take the two oak stakes out of that set and sharpen them with that Rambo knife of yours.  “What do I do with the rest of this crap?”  Chaple asked. “We’ll toss it,” Everhard told him. As Everhard tore down main- street in the red Viper, Chaple extracted a striped stake from the ancient set and began to whittle a sharper tip on the piece of hardwood with the wicked looking knife he kept in his boot. Next, Everhard pulled into a grocery store parking lot.  Everhard ran into the store, and moments later returned with a small bag of  garlic cloves. Next door, at a hardware store, he bought a large hammer, a ball of string and a very large sewing needle.  “One more stop, “ Everhard told Chaple and we’re off to Hudson House.  As Chaple busied himself making two garlic necklaces with the string and needle, Everhard drove at high speed to Saint Francis’ Catholic Church.  Behind the church, in a simple travel trailer their old and dear friend Sister Mary Grace resided.  Everhard pulled the Viper up to the little trailer behind the church and jumped out.  Chaple watched as his friend went to the trailer door and knocked.  After a moment, Sister Mary Grace came to the door.  She was still sporting a black eye and a bandage on her chin from the mugging she had suffered outside Rick’s Café American.  Everhard said something to the nun and she left him at the door momentarily.  When she returned, she handed Everhard a black satin bag which Everhard put in the inside pocket of his jacket.  Sister Mary Grace kissed Everhard on the cheek and appeared to mutter a quick prayer and cross herself as the adventurer hurried back to the Viper.  The two vampire hunters in the red sports car streaked up the mountain at the edge of town towards Hudson House.  It was 5:30 PM, barely an hour of daylight left, and they still had to locate the coffin in the huge mansion where C.D. Hudson spent the daylight hours.  If they were even a moment or two late, it might be a fatal mistake.

 

 

Scene 3

           The red viper screeched to a stop in front of the huge Hudson mansion.  The two vampire hunters jumped out and jogged to the huge double front doors.  “Let me handle the interrogation of the butler James,” Chaple told Everhard, “I’ll do it the L.A.P.D. way.” The cigar chomping detective said proudly.  Visions of Rodney King danced in Everhard’s imagination, but he shook off the vision.  It was nearly 6 PM and the sun was steadily sinking into the western horizon.  The two men were wearing their garlic leis and carrying the sharpened croquet stakes.  Everhard was carrying the heavy hammer and Chaple had his trusty 12 gauge pump slung over his shoulder.  They banged the large knocker on the front door and the phrase “what knockers!” flashed through Everhard’s mind, again; he shook off this frivolous thought.  After just a moment, the mammoth butler answered the door. Before anyone could even speak, Chaple jammed the 12 gauge shotgun into the big man’s crotch.  “Asshole, if you value the crown jewels, you will immediately tell us where your boss spends his daylight hours.  And if you even stutter, it’s “hasta lavista” to your unit and all of its accessories.” Chaple growled around his smoldering stogie.  The ex-linebacker began to sweat and hesitated for just a few seconds.  Chaple jabbed the cold steel barrel of the 12 gauge harder into the man’s testicles.  “He s-sleeps in the basement, in a black coffin,” the butler told them, obviously fearing for his manhood.  “Take us there, now!” Chaple barked, and don’t be slow or I might just blow your nuts off anyway.”

           “This way”, the frightened butler told them and the three men ran down a large spiral staircase to the huge basement. They came to a large oak door that the butler unlocked with a large ring of keys.  The big door creaked open and there, across the room, sat an ornate black coffin.  They cuffed the butler and put him against the wall behind the coffin.  There was no more than fifteen minutes of daylight left when they began to open the coffin’s lid.  As Chaple slowly raised the coffin lid, Everhard stood poised with the needle sharp oaken stake and the hammer, ready to drive it through C.D.’s sternum and into his heart.  The lid to the coffin opened and revealed only the silken liner.  The coffin was empty!  The two men were momentarily dazed, then both of them turned towards the butler who incredibly, was laughing at them.  Chaple pulled the S&W .357 out of his shoulder holster and it roared, aimed seemingly at the butler’s head.  The slug tore into the sheetrock and plaster just two inches from the big man’s skull, immediately silencing the laughing butler.  Chaple stuck the still hot muzzle of the pistol against the butler’s forehead, he yelled in pain and a bright red circle appeared on the butlers forehead where the barrel had been.  “I’m about to get pissed off moron,” Chaple said, menacingly.  “Where is C.D. Hudson?”  The butler couldn’t speak quickly enough.  “H-he’s at the III Spoons Steakhouse.  He spent the day there, in its basement.  He’s hosting a dinner tonight for the 64Knights.” The frightened butler stammered.  “Why didn’t you tell us that before?” Everhard asked.  “You didn’t ask,” the butler said, and began to laugh again.  Chaple kicked the man as hard as he could in the groin and Everhard smacked him with the side of the hammer, right on the noggin.  The butler slumped to the floor, unconscious. The two vampire hunters ran up the stairs and out to the driveway to the waiting viper.  As Everhard fired the sports car up, Chaple asked, “Ya’ know where this III Spoons joint is located?”  “Ten minutes away,” Everhard replied as the Viper squealed out of the driveway and onto the mountain road.  The last visible portion of the sun slipped below the horizon and it became dark…

 

Scene 4

           The very exclusive III Spoons Restaurant was located halfway down the backside of the mountain, nestled in deep woods.  Only the most exclusive dining events were held at III Spoons and the food and service were rumored to be the finest in the area. 

           The red Viper roared into the parking lot of the III Spoons Restaurant and skidded to a stop at the front door.  A valet in a red coat came to the driver’s door, presumably to park Everhard’s car.  Everhard handed the young man a folded up $100 bill and said, “Leave it right here Junior, we may need to make a hasty exit.”  “You bet, sir,” the shocked young man replied, who would have washed and waxed the red viper for that kind of tip, “it will be right here when you come back, sir.”  Chaple and Everhard hurried into the restaurant .  Inside, the two men saw a private dining area with a sign that read: “PRIVATE PARTY. WELCOME 64 KNIGHTS – GUESTS OF C.D.HUDSON” The two vampire hunters headed to the door.

           A gala cocktail party was taking place as the two men scanned the room for C.D. Hudson.  They saw the lovely Donna Vadelle, Tom Manners, Brad Mangum, Beverly Afinesetotits, Denny Shirley, Steve Salmons and several other 64Knights all of whom they recognized, but there was no sign of the host, C.D. Hudson.  Not having a plan for these circumstances, our two heroes simply put down their hammer and spikes, grabbed some drinks and made small talk with the guests while awaiting the appearance of C.D. Hudson. 

           Everhard embraced his close friend and sometimes lover, Donna Vadelle and kissed her deeply.  “Mmmmmmmm, good to see you too James,” the lovely blonde told him, “But what’s with this garlic hanging around your neck?  It smells terrible. ” Everhard was momentarily embarrassed and tossed the garlic over to the table that held the hammer and stakes.  “Inside joke,” Everhard adlibbed.  Meanwhile, Chief of Detectives Bill Chaple had located a double scotch and was working on it and at the same time, trying to get one Miss Beverly Afinesetotits into a compromising position with him..  He’d had the hots for her since highschool.   After an hour or so, the group was fairly well oiled, and the waiters announced that dinner was being served.  Still no sign of C.D. Hudson. 

Everhard went over to talk to Chaple, who seemed to be making progress with Beverly, she was holding his arm and acting very friendly, giving him a little peck on the cheek now and then.  Everhard pulled him aside momentarily, “We can’t just jab the sumbitch in the heart with a stake right here in front of God and everybody.” Everhard told him.  “What are we gonna do?”   Chaple glanced longingly at Miss Afinesetotits’ breasts and said, “How about we just enjoy the party, and we’ll get him afterwards, when the sun rises and he’s taking his siesta. Okay?”  “Okay,” James said, “we’ll just play it by ear, but if we can get him away from the crowd, we’ll do it, okay?” But Everhard’s plan fell on deaf ears.  Chaple was already back with Beverly, pouring on the charm. 

           As everyone sat down at the long banquet table, C.D. Hudson made his entrance.  C.D. entered the room wearing a black tuxedo, complete with a black cape over his shoulders.  “Welcome friends, eat and enjoy,” He told the group.  As he flashed a wide smile, Everhard got just a glimpse of the sharp vampire’s teeth at the corners of his mouth.  Who did he intend to make his victim tonight?  Was it the lovely Donna Vadelle, or could it be the well-endowed Beverly Afinesetotits?  Everhard knew that the vampire was going to try to suck someone’s blood tonight, but whos? And how and when would he try it?  He would have to watch the vampire very closely tonight.

 

Scene 5

           Everhard knew that he had effectively lost his partner in this dangerous venture.  Faithful and fearless though his partner, Chief of Detectives Bill Chaple (retired), may be, there was one thing that always became the utmost of priorities for the stogie chewing detective; that being an amorous encounter with a beautiful woman.  If the evil vampire, C.D. Hudson were to be brought down tonight, Everhard knew that it would be up to him and him alone.

           J.E. observed as C.D. sat down next to the gorgeous Donna Vadelle.  She was dressed in a beautiful red, sequined evening dress that exposed more than a little creamy white cleavage.  Hudson kissed Ms. Vadelle’s cheek politely, and at the same time, got an eyeful down her red sequined bodice.  Everhard sat down next to Beverly Afinesetotits’ sister, Shirley, he believed she had told him, and he couldn’t help but notice that Afinesetotits must be her very apropos name as well!

           The waiters brought gloriously cooked medium rare steaks, garnished with baked potatoes and a wonderful salad.  The waiter also brought him a Rusty Nail in a double old fashioned glass, which was also wonderfully blended.  “Great place”, Everhard remarked to Shirley A. between bites.  Shirley A. just nodded as she hungrily devoured a delicious sour dough hot roll.

           Everhard kept a close eye on C.D. Hudson all through dinner; so far, he had not attempted to bite Ms. Vadelle on her deliciously creamy, soft neck.  Everhard had often nibbled on it himself, but he, however, had never had the intention of helping himself to her red cells.

           The waiters brought a wonderful dessert of flaming cherries jubilee that brought “ews and awes” from the very impressed dinner guests.  As he ate the heavenly dessert, Everhard noticed that C.D. Hudson was whispering something in Donna Vadelle’s ear.  She smiled wickedly, and nodded to him.  Everhard knew that the vampire’s evil plan was unfolding.  Everhard looked over at Chaple.  He was dancing with Beverly, his face half buried in cleavage. Everhard  was still on his own!  James edged his way towards the garlic, hammer and whittled stakes, all the while keeping his eyes on Hudson and Donna Vadelle.  Hudson took Donna’s hand and led her out a side door.  Everhard, his vampire hunting supplies in hand, followed them, a safe distance behind.  Outside, in the cool November air, C.D. Hudson passionately kissed the lovely Donna Vadelle.  During the long, deep kiss, the vampire expertly pulled his cape up over their heads.  This was the vampire's trademark.  Everhard knew he must act now!

 

Scene 6

           Everhard ran as fast as he could towards the caped couple.  When he was just feet away, he lept into the air, emulating an NFL linebacker, zeroing in on a running back.  The collision was tremendous, knocking Hudson and Donna Vadelle to the ground.  Everhard’s sneak attack afforded him only a momentary advantage, however, as C. D. Hudson jumped to his feet and hissed at Everhard, showing his vampire’s fangs.  Donna Vadelle gasped in shock as she looked up just in time to see the vampire hiss.  “You have screwed with the wrong person Everhard,” C.D. Hudson hissed angrily.  “Now I will turn you into one of the undead!”  Moving with amazing speed, the vampire went for Everhard, grabbing him by the neck and pulling him off the ground.  Showing phenomenal strength, he lifted Everhard completely off the ground with one hand.  Everhard’s feet were dangling, 6 inches off the ground and he was having the life choked out of him. .Just before Everhard began to black out, he was able to reach into his inside coat pocket and retrieve the black silk bag that Sister Mary Grace had given him.  The black bag fell from the object it held as Everhard pulled it from his pocket.  In his last few seconds of consciousness, Everhard pulled out a large silver crucifix and thrust it at C.D. Hudson’s face.

           The vampire released Everhard and he dropped to one knee on the           pavement, but managed to keep the crucifix in Hudson’s face.  C. D. Hudson shrieked a blood curdling shriek and moved away from the cross.  Everhard, on his feet now and drawing in much needed oxygen in ragged breaths, kept the crucifix just inches from Hudson’s forehead.  C.D. tried to back away but Everhard kept the crucifix in his face.  The top of the cross touched the vampire’s forehead as Hudson again screamed as it burned into his skin.  Trying to back away, his forehead still glowing and smoldering, the vampire tripped and fell onto his back.  Everhard quickly was on top of him straddling the man and holding him at bay with the silver crucifix.  Everhard definitely had the advantage now, but how was he to get to the stakes and hammer to finish the evil vampire off?  Unexpected help came in the form of his retired detective partner.   Chaple came to his partner’s side holding the sharpened croquet peg in one hand and the hammer in the other.  C.D. Hudson saw what was about to happen and tried to get up, shrieking and screaming.  But it was too little, too late as Chapel hammered the stake into the vampire’s chest with a sickening thud.  As Hudson’s heart was pierced, black blood, as black as used motor oil oozed up through his clothes.  Quickly the retired detective took the second stake and drove it home as well.  The vampire, jerked once and fell still.  Then the transformation began to take  place.

           The skin on C.D. Hudson’s face began to smolder and smoke, like one of Chaple’s old stogies.  Then the charred skin slowly slid away, exposing his skull and the long, pointed vampire’s teeth.  And finally, the skull turned to centuries old dust, and the two exhausted vampire hunters knew it was over.  C.D. Hudson was, after several centuries, finally dead.

 

EPILOGUE…..

           The two adventurers and Donna Vadelle stared down at the pile of ashes and dust atop the crumpled black tuxedo lying in the yard.  Everhard asked his partner, “How’d you know to come when you did?”  Chaple looked up at his partner, “Donna came and got me.  Scared Beverly Afineset almost out of her bra.  Which reminds me, I have some unfinished business out in the Viper with the aforementioned Ms. A.” with that, Chapel hurried to the parking lot.  Everhard turned to Donna Vadelle, took her in his arms and whispered, “thanks” to her as he kissed her long and passionately.  After the kiss, Donna told Everhard, “No!  Thank you.  I can’t imagine how close I came to being a zombie or something.”  They both laughed and walked away towards the restaurant.  One the sidewalk, the head waiter was holding the check, obviously looking for C.D. Hudson.  “Just give that to Denny Shirley or Steve Salmons.  Mr. Hudson had to leave unexpectedly,” Everhard told him.

           Meanwhile, inside the Viper, with the top up and the windows well fogged, the voice of Beverly Afinesetotits was heard saying, “Look at these balls, red, blue, green…”  and then the voice of the retired chief saying, “I can explain that, you see, we were escaping from the hundreds of rats at Hudson Manor and we had to slide down this banister and I….”   “No silly, these croquet balls and these wickets and all this crap, where’d it all come from?”  The next sound that was heard was the crash of an old croquet set as it was hurled from the Viper to the darkened parking lot.

 

END……………………….